Day 8...Letting Go

A favorite song of mine from Joe Cocker…..not so easy to do.

My friend, who started me on this process, and I have been so connected of late……….we are on this journey together. Today on the phone, she brought up the topic of anger. I quickly noted to her, that while in bed last night……..I was thinking of just that.

On this journey, I am not in any way unaware of the fact that I have, “anger issues”.
Translation…………..I overreact a lot. I explode so quickly. Many times it can be seen from the outside. But what is going on inside is so much worse.

I literally can feel HEAT surging through my veins. And this is not the good sexual heat…………………..oh god please LET ME FEEL THAT SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am talking about this explosion of bubbling lava blood erupting throughout my body. Making me appear red all over……..a hot look for freckly chick like myself

There is no poker face.

There are no poker words.

I can be lethal. I can be over reactive. I have been known, on occasion, to make matters worse.
I think only with age can we understand the phrase, “The opposite of love OR hate is indifference.”
Then a decade or so later, you MAY be able to practice what you preach………
I can say with total confidence.

I
Have
A
Good
8
Years
To
Go
I remember how I learned to understand. I had a boyfriend after college for three years. We were in love, and there was enough chemistry to fill in an entire periodic table, though no inert gasses would be present.
We were explosive.
You can only imagine where that chemistry had its benefits……… (note, I have stopped writing to imagine the various mixtures we made together……..what element is 69?)

We were together for three years, should have broken up after one.
By the time we got around to stop screwing and actually end it, we HATED each other.

Years have past……we have grown up. And the hatred I once had for him started to fade away. I became indifferent. I knew I was over him.

Though I got there eventually……..this process was involuntary. I had no control, but rather time steered the process.

I need to find ways of coping with those surges of emotions. I focus on why I explode, rather than on how to amend the behavior. I am going to change that. How can I calm down? How can I cool down?
Any suggestions?
I have recognized that all the anger does is inhibit my ability to work, laugh, and RELAX. I can also say that 9 times out of 10 my rage doesn’t in any way alter or change the position of the person with whom I am angry.

I have lost another not previously mentioned good friend because of my snappishness. Rather than snap, I should have found a way to control that guttural grunt, those venomous vowels and consonants forming wounding words that never seem to get the heart of the matter.

So for now I choose to control or mediate the symptoms. Then, I will try to figure out why in the world I get so angry in the first place.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer