Day Three... Origins Female

I have three older brothers. Yes three. Half-brothers to be totally accurate, though we grew up together.

I am the love child of my two parents. My father prefers to say diaphragm baby. (I know a lot of these.)

Note to self:DIAPHRAGMS SUCK!!!

I am the only girl

I did well in school

I was a tattle tale

I fought with my mother

My father is GOD

Daddy and Me against Mom – that’s how it was.

Still is in a lot of ways.

I am still apologizing to her for things I said:

“FUCK YOU”

“YOU’RE JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE I WILL HAVE A CAREER AND YOU ARE JUST A MOM”

“I CAN HAVE BABIES STILL”

First of all, there is no just being a mom.

Second, like I said, I am still apologizing.

She was never quite what I thought I wanted. Wasn’t class mommy, nor was my house “the spot”. She wasn’t the greatest cook and snow days with four crazy children were never received kindly.

That is all I saw when I looked at her.

What I was blind to…

Her incredible ability to get all four of us wherever we needed to go. Her total pride at seeing any one of us do anything that we loved be it sports or dance. Her intense love that she expressed so clearly and yet was missed because it didn’t manifest itself in traditional ways.

I have seen all of these things. I love my mother. I see how she struggles with worrying about us.

I swear she has a booked worrying schedule and worry items on standby just in case something no longer needs worrying about.

I used to be angry with her for not speaking up.

Now I have become her bodyguard, fiercely protecting her from anyone who thinks she is somehow less than….simply because she has the good sense to live not only for us, but for herself as well.

And there it is. Life lesson learned. Motherhood is one title I will add to my list of people. But when I become a mother, it will enhance the total package. It will not take over everything else.

She taught me that. I am grateful for the lesson that I am not sure she intended to teach.

It is quite a moment in your development when you see your own parents as people. With flaws. With goals unrelated to you.

And at that moment…

That split second…

They become your friend as well. My mom is my best friend in so many ways. She has seen the ugliest parts of me and still loves me.

I have thought the worst of her, and now think the world of her!

This weekend I will be spending one night with an old friend who tends to feed any insecurities I have about myself. Basically it isn’t him that does it as much as myself. We were equals once, and in some ways, not really relevant ways, he has surpassed me.

Has he??

That moment I spoke of…….discovering the humanity in my mother.This weekend, as armor from my self-doubt, I give myself permission to be human. I give myself permission to be proud of the life I have built thus far. So what if it hasn’t been a straight line. It has been a hell of a ride.

I will keep signing permission slips over and over so that I can begin to deconstruct how I define success.

I did it once before.

I redefined my mother, and in doing so, found a treasure.

This time the treasure found will be even closer, it will be me.

Love and Hope,

Soul Dancer