Every day from age two till adolescence, I would be doing a variety of things around my house: dancing, annoying my brothers, watching TV, or making a mess.
When I would hear the sound...
The most exciting sound of every day
The sound of the 5:22 train out of NY Penn FINALLY rolling in to Ronkonkoma Station with my daddy on it
I would stop
Run
And sit at the top of the stairs waiting for him
Energy lifted
He would walk in and 2 sets of eyes would light up!
We spent every Saturday morning together;: bagels, carwash, drycleaners, library, ANYWHERE!!!!!!
Two days ago, I wrote about the nature of the relationship I share with my mother, and now I need to bring to life the other half of me.
How do you make a God human? I don’t know if I can. I am not sure he is. I do not know, have never met, and never will meet someone who emanates such goodness. He is selfless, devoted to his family. And the charisma!!!! Oh my God, every hot dog vendor from Penn to his old office on 40th and Broadway knew his name. Every store he patronizes loves him.
He never EVER fails to make someone else smile. He is a child at heart but at the same time has given us all so much
People say I am like him.
We do share personalities. We both have a certain charm. An ability to make people smile and an ability to make people feel close with us. I too know how to get a laugh.
But while he is perfect to me...
I am not. I didn’t get all of him.
I have lied, and manipulated for my own purposes when necessary
I have been selfish.
I have been jealous and angry and put my needs before others.
Not always, not in EVERY scenario, but at times. I don’t see him as ever doing ANY of those things.
I know that it may not be healthy to feel this way.
Because he IS human.
He is a man.
A Husband.
And lord knows I don’t know ANY woman who would say their husband is perfect.
I know that in me he sees himself, and I know that I have brought him much happiness, but I just want to be more, do more, give him the right to be so proud of me and so sure that only good things can and should happen to me.
I guess, though I never was verbally taught to seek his approval, I have been craving it forever, and he has never disappointed. He is such a proud papa. I just want to be worthy of what he feels.
I think of the way I view humanity because of him
He always says, "Treat the president of the United States the same way you would treat the custodian in your building.”
Lesson learned.
Hands down.
We had(have) so many silly little ROUTINES…………
Every night we would say, “A Kiss and a hug and that nice warm feeling.”
We would gang up against mom, with our famous double entendre maneuver (we would show you, but then we would have to kill you!) Our fattening trips to Bennigan’s after he had sweat out five pounds playing racquetball.
I could write for days thanking him. I could write for years sharing stories.
The thing is this…
I know that people are bound to be disappointed when they place someone on a pedestal.
I never have been disappointed by him.
My fear is that he will somehow determine that the love he shines upon me will be tarnished by my irresponsibility, my refusal to live according to Standard Operating Procedure. Deep down knowing, that won’t happen. Because he JUST that amazing.
SO today, I am going to actively begin to STOP waiting for that to happen. I am going to accept that what my father wants, selflessly as always, is for his little girl to be happy. And I am going to be PROUD of the fact that I am working on just that.
Everyday as I write, I feel as if little weights are being lifted and I am growing more aware of the woman I want to be.
So why worry if I am worth the love he bestows on me. I have it, and I damn lucky for it. It is a “nice warm feeling!”
Love and Hope,
Soul Dancer
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