Day 16... Home Schooling

Composition

Where do we learn to hate ourselves?
Where do we learn to doubt ourselves?
What inside us makes us feel ugly...when others proclaim
We are beautiful, special and unlike no other?
Do we hear that and think that different is somehow worse?
Can we ever accept is as a gift?

Can I ever accept me?

Math
<

not

>
-
not
+
dividing myself up into minuscule empty bits
rather than multiplying positive images

Lab
My question:

Is it possible to stop one's brain from going to the places it
seems most comfortable

Hypothsis:
Yes this is possible

Method:
control negative behavior via the following steps:

1.identify the thought

2. at that moment STOP what you are doing and breathe

3. immediately replace that thought with two positive ones

4. keep doing this until one day you notice that the first
thought is not a negative one

Check and interpret your results:
one day i will NOT fuck myself over with a new man, by
maintaining a well earned and deserved sense of calm

Share your results with the community at large:
read my book and when i am married to Justin Timberlake,
you will know I succeeded!!!!

History:
I am questioning my past relationships. Did I ever even love
those men? Eddie, yes for sure. He was an angel, and still is.
But others.........was i just projecting what it was that I thought
I wanted onto them? My savior complex. My obsession with coal
that becomes a diamond.

This is a scary fucking thought...am I that good at rationalization
that I just spin around playing pin the love on the man/donkey??

Do I know what it is to love someone, not because I decided that
I wanted to love someone at that particular moment, but because
a deep meaningful knowledge of a particular man led to the
development of organic, ACTUAL emotions.

And given that premises, I have to say, I have only truly loved
Eddie and the ex. Because with both we were friends first. It was
a slow simmer rather than a deep fryer of fat nasty lust
(oooohh tastes so good at first).

I am getting into some crazy stuff here. History's repetitive nature
is quite astounding. Can the cycle stop by identifying the insanity?

Homework:
Develop a framework for success. I find that I am knee deep in the
goo that is my life. I am angry because these connections, these
realizations have never been made. I am not going to give in to that.
I am going to CHANGE the behavior.

For now, I am going to sleep.......this assignment is hefty. I need to
gear up for it!

Hope and love,

Soul Dancer