Day 15... Home Economics

Pattern: a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc.,
forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement: the
behavior patterns of teenagers.

Definition and example both so poignant.

I wrote earlier that I have lost touch with the energy that
was present in the beginning of this journey. In the midst
of my sadness today came an old and often times experienced
revelation.

I weave destructive patterns with men.

This is not about a man I may see and want to sleep with
.....but rather the pattern of men like the engaged ex.
or like the most current obsession - we will call him Mr. BW

Pattern for soul dancer's destructive damsel's dress:

1. canvas - Any man who makes me flutter upon first sight.
This is usually someone slightly out of reach or hard to get.
In this case a big to do in my professional life. He may or may
not be single. He does flirt back, but never consistently. He is
attractive and definitely sexy in the way that inspires imaginary
posts like Day 11! Essentially, he is a challenge of epic proportions.

2. color - this is the fun part of the pattern. Brush strokes across
a page. We talk, we smile, we giggle. Vivid colors are splashed
in the dull grey cubicle land I inhabit. Getting coffee, seeing his
smile...it is an adventure.

3. shape - things become different. I communicate with him
(whoever the "he" is at the time). He shows interest. Sexual.
Flirtatious. Through the sinews of sensuality I begin to THINK I
see a glimpse of the man behind my crush. I feel justified that
he is worth the time. He is the diamond in the rough...damaged
but kindhearted. Observant, not quiet. Sexy not dirty.

4. zippers and buttons and clasps OH MY (PLEASE NOTE - I am
no seamstress.....not sure how in the world to make scarf let alone
a dress. Please permit me the poetic license to drag this metaphor
to its conclusion)

this is me - this is what happens. What begins as excitement over
his attention, quickly disintegrates into anxiety. A cloak of fear zips
up around the fun exhilarating moments. Why is he NOT writing?
Why haven't we gone out again?

WHY WHY WHY???

This is not Glenn Close fatal attraction boiling bunny bullshit.
He sees only the calm, cool, collected Dana. Attentive, but not
too much. Flirty, not slutty.

But inside I am mess.

Why do I give men such control over my moods? Mr. BW doesn't
want that control. Most men don't want that control. Or at least
the men I like.

The pattern I create is so abusive.

They aren't the abusers. I am. I scream at myself from the pits of
doubt that I am not good enough, not thin enough, not enough for
the AMAZING man I have decided to fit into.

I am the one who leads us down the road to failure because
everything matters so much and he can't possibly have the ability to
assuage my fears, my worries because he is not even aware of them.

It is a hard pill to swallow. It also puts the "ex" into a fresher
perspective. I had NONE of those anxieties with him. I should have...
but I didn't. I was certain we would be 80 and together. I was CALM
for the first time ever with a man.

I was blind
But calm
I want that again
Obviously the feeling, not the ex...

I just keep sewing the same dress that doesn't fit.

I don't trust my abilities to pick complimentary fabric
I don't believe in personal shoppers.
I am stuck in this middle grounds between excitement and insanity.

A lot of women will write how men abuse them. And there are a lot
of men that do. How do I stop the abuse from within? I don't gravitate
towards men who hurt women. I hurt myself constantly by letting self
defeating thoughts run rampant through my brain.

I lack the skill to just "see where it goes"

I missed that lesson. And the controlling of emotions, or rather the
new found attempts to allow a rational thought to rule the roost once
in a while, does not stop the insidious poison of self doubt to flow
when dealing with the exes and MR. BW's of the world.

That horrible fear that I am somehow damaged.
Or only good for fucking....

These thoughts grow like weeds...unstoppable and ugly.
I lack the ability to pull them by the root.
I missed gardening lessons as well.

I am asking you, the reader to help this undomesticated Jewess
to STOP these thoughts.

What do you do?
How can I apply the lessons so easily learned regarding career,
family, and friends to MEN.
What new lessons can you teach me?


Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer