Sunday, October 7, 2007

Day 30...With Arms Wide Open

My last day - I have spanned my month of fame long enough. Being someone who has always followed the rules..............I asked my friend, "what do I do if I want to keep writing?"

DUH - I KEEP WRITING!!!!


And so I will. Having worked on my book for a while, I think I need to take some real time to develop an action plan. I thought I would share the title of my book with you all.


Marry Me Justin, or if not How About an Affair? A 30 Year Old's Journey to Inner and Outer Beauty


Are you hooked? I am trying to get to triple digit pages. Trying to send to an editor when I have that much. And so I plan on drilling down on that and getting it ready to go by the new year. An aggressive, though doable goal!


This process has been mind blowing, orgasmic, and one of the healthiest steps I have taken in a long time. I have reconnected with an old friend named creativity.....I have missed her. I hope not to lose touch with her again.

I find it astounding how easy it is to not make time for the positive, or how easy it is to make excuses. Believe me, I still do it! And I am comfortable enough to say that I will do it again. But I also believe that I am, in spite of myself, and with some active thought, sneaking in some positive changes as well.

I am someone who wants instant gratification - I am working on trying to be more patient. I am also working on recognizing change isn't overnight. And that there are some crazy things about me that I may not ever change.

What I sense is that rather than trying to judge myself with thoughts like, "that is good, that is bad.....that is right or wrong," I should ask different questions. I should be asking why and how. I want to understand why I do what I do and how I can make decisions that lead me in the correct path. I am also thinking about what exactly that path is. I know now that I don't really know....I am sometimes ok with that.

When I started this, as usual I was expecting overnight change. I am not a new or different person. I am a richer person (NOT in terms of material wealth), a more reflective person, a more hopeful person.

I remain a work in progress, but am developing a greater sense of who I am.

I remain amazed at the positive people I have connected with, further solidifying my faith in humans.

I will be in touch with a potential new blog spot. I will not lose touch with my writing, nor the people who have inspired me.

Thank you.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Game of tag.......

OK so I have been tagged a few times.........and have been bad fellow blogger and NOT responded.....mostly because I didn't know what to say......well thank you ROLANDO over at Rplayground for finally tagging me and invoking response!!!!!

Here it goes!!!

Start Tag
10 Ways to Make Your Fellow Bloggers Hate You
1.Make an account at MyBlogLog and start spamming everyone by leaving a message that says: “great site, visit mine http://www.yourblog.com/”
2.Go on every blog you find and post a comment that says “great entry, visit my blog http://www.yourblog.com/”
3.Join forums and add your wise comments to each thread “I agree, visit my blog http://www.yourblog.com/”
4.Join Blogging to Fame and beg for fames: “loved your site, fame mine”
5.Make a video of yourself blabbing about the weather and don’t forget to say “visit my blog http://www.yourblog.com/”
6.Submit your entry every day to every social bookmarking site you know and don’t forget to ask for votes from the members at MyBlogLog: “pls. digg http://www.yourblog.com/entry/”
7.Collect contact information from all the authority bloggers and email them every day. It doesn’t matter what you say. Just don’t forget to tell them “visit my blog http://www.yourblog.com/”
8.Request links from everyone like: “I like your blog, link to mine http://www.yourblog.com/”
9.Copy content from everyone without giving credit, but link to the original source so that the author knows that you’ve copied the article. Eventually say at the end of the article “you are not allowed to republish this without my permission.”
10.To make the picture complete, make every link you ever place in every entry you ever write a link to one of your affiliate programs that make you money.
11.Bonus point: tag your blogger friends to complete the list with their ideas.
11.Point out every spelling mistake and grammatical error..then leave your link with a side note to “Visit my blog”
12.Tag all your favorite bloggers till no end
13. NEVER RESPOND WHEN ANYONE TAGS YOU!



Ok.... I am going to tag the following:

Billy Warhol at Billion Dollar Baloney



Don't worry boys, if you don't wish to respond you are just living out #13!!!


Love,

Soul Dancer

Friday, September 28, 2007

Day 29...Looking Back Leaping Forward

I want to share with you all something I wrote about the ex.............this was before the journey. A journey of 30 days EXTENDED to 60. Maybe I have been hesitant to write because I don't want it to end. But like all good things, it has to. It was with contentment I read this, feeling confident that I am no longer bound by hopes that are futile, or rather hopes wrapped up in a cloak of illusion. I apologize for the lengthy paragraphs, but they make sense to me as is. This is where I was at with the ex for a long time.



My story of the ex:

THE EX - we have known each other since seventh grade. We were always in homeroom together. He said he always remembered me talking about my shoes. I remember him as a chubby kid. I became friends with his older sister through my crazy dive into the Rave scene. Man, were those crazy days. I would be at their house, not sober and The Ex and his friends would be downstairs. I would be SO annoyed by the boys because they were loud and unruly and always trying to fuck everyone who wasn’t me. And I would never see The Ex that way……too big for my taste. OK so is this like divine fucking revenge???? I didn’t even see him back then and yet he was always quietly ogling me so he says. I was his fantasy, and I never once took the time to see beneath what I found to be an unattractive quality.

As I separated from the Ravers, graduated college, I would occasionally see The Ex. And I never wanted to touch him or anything like that, but we would always sit and talk the night away. Even when I was dating others, I was drawn to him. Intellectually only, but as a Gemini, those ties are often the most binding.

He asked me to edit his master’s degree thesis. That same summer he “ended” it with his girlfriend because of certain seedy actions on her part. We saw each other a lot. Friends only. I flashed him. You know, usual friend “stuff”. I remember the night. We were at a friend’s house; we were not drinking heavily, but he lived further away. I told him he could stay at my place. In my head, I hadn’t yet admitted what I wanted….hadn’t admitted what I knew was going to happen. But really………………… I lived in a fucking studio. I knew we would be sharing a bed! My god, that night.

We danced around the issue. We flirted with disaster. We lay in bed and he just looked at me and said, “I know this is going to sound funny, but I have dreamed of doing this for so long. Can I put my hand on your stomach?”

“Sure,” I said with a giggle. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me.

“I have wanted to do this for so long. I know it is silly, but you are so beautiful and I just want to touch you.”

Trying to hide the blushing and utter disbelief that I was actually looking forward to the moment when we were going to kiss, I turned on my back and let him.

I can’t tell you what we did – I can tell you that to date I have never been so happy in a man’s arms. It was as if this entire world opened up to me and I never recognized how amazing The Ex was. He loved every inch of my body. Couldn’t stop touching and kissing me. It was passionate, and he was sexy in a way I never thought he would be. We were together many times that night and into the morning. We would sleep for a half hour, roused awake by the stickiness of our sweaty bodies on my bed in my basement apt with no air conditioning. I was for the first time in my life, shell-shocked. I had no expectation, and yet this man had made my world change in one night.

A few months later he went back to the ex.

Four years later, and with many realizations that he is not the man I thought he was, I can’t run away from the desire to feel him. Not sexual…………….but rather completely. He is home to me. And as I type this I am so FUCKING angry at him for being weak and not choosing me over the safe choice, and I am even madder at myself for thinking that he is the one I need in my life.

But no one, no logical thought, no simply put words of wisdom can take away the fact that when I touch him, a simple truth prevails. He is home. I feel at home in his arms and want to be there again. This is a suck ass conclusion if you ask me! I hate it. But I cannot deny its existence.

I also can’t deny that something broke in me when The Ex broke my heart. Something changed in me forever. Ok so the idea of “broke my heart” – is this ever really the case? As an English teacher we are constantly urging the more sophisticated writers to avoid the passive tense and yet the phrase “he broke my heart” is so overused. Does any one truly have the capacity? The truth is I let him do it. I allowed myself to give in with NO caution – I didn’t stop to think that he might not be on the same roller coaster as me - I was on the cyclone at Coney Island, a fixture as permanent as Brooklyn itself, while The Ex was at a county fair playing whack-a-mole for a prize that he never intended to keep. But I never asked him those questions. I was so happy to have someone to dote over, and to have someone dote over me, I never stopped to think.

I digress. So with a broken heart (avoid passivity) I became afraid. I have never been afraid of love in my life. I have sought it constantly. And now I just am so afraid that I will meet someone again, and I will think the same way, and the same rug will be pulled out from underneath me. I don’t know if I could survive that. I don’t know if I could be me.


THE END

Oh EX..................I will miss what we had, but I no longer feel you are home. You were a summer vacation, intense and full of excitement. I couldn't live there forever. I can't say I am over you. But I am a lot further along in the process from where I started. I hope you enjoy the life you are creating for yourself. My story is yet to be told, mere fabric on a loom, but for the first time in a long time I feel this fabric is rich in texture, vibrant in color, and sturdy in its lasting power.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Day 28...The Yetta Strikes Back

I met my new grandma this weekend.
I hated every second of it.
I realized I would have been a HORRIBLE child of divorce.
HORRIBLE
I was of course cordial
polite

I remembered when I was in junior high school.

My brother broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years.......I was devastated and swore to be mean to the next one.
I cracked in a second.
I can't be mean.
And she was nice.

Yetta wasn't NOT nice.
but she was slightly opinionated
I guess at 80 you no longer feel the need to impress

I wasn't expecting to feel so weird.
I wasn't expecting to feel so territorial
This is not my grandma - this is not the woman who loved me
I don't have to forgive her gruffness.


But I never showed my grandpa I was feeling this.
Some of my cousins are being so rude about it.

He is almost 90
I do want him to be happy
I was cordial, but distant
My mom did a lot of the talking
My mom is an amazing woman.

AMAZING

Selfless!
And not just because she got be that gray coach bag
She us simply put a LADY


I felt like a petulant child
I felt like a brat
A Terrible Two-er
A bitch

I am an adult so I had the capacity to hold it in.
But if this were happening and I was 16........
Yetta would be faced with an enemy akin to Darth Vader

I think on a deeper level I am recognizing that maybe I was never that close with my grandpa.
I love him, but I never recognized how much my visits were about my grandma and me.

Men get the namesake
But believe me
Society as I know is still a MATRIARCHY
women rule the roost.
Hilda rules Morty's for 66 years
And now it is Yetta.

I wonder if I will be a brides maid?
I hope they don't kiss with tongue!

SO clearly I am not totally comfortable with this.
At least......
Not YET(ta)

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer








Day 27...Atoning

Today I am fasting.
We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.
A list of sins:
1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.
2. Illegal substances have entered my body.
3. I am guilty of manipulation.
4. I am guilty of lying.
5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)
6. I am materialistic
7. I am gluttonous
8. I can be jealous of people
9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.
10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.

I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".
It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst.
But I disagree.
It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.

You know that mantra, "God grant me the serenity......." becomes more and more relevant. I am happy that I am aware of them.
I am trying to arrest their development.
I am trying to make them minor characters, rather than the leads.
Let's say they should be Dr McSteamy to my better half McDreamy.
I am trying.
Old habits die hard
Married men don't get unsexy.
Coach bags remain pretty.

I was putting on makeup this morning at my parents' house. I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I immediately began to scream at myself. Inside out. Echoing. Ugly thoughts. Uglier words. I tried to stop and I couldn't. I went to the big dogs.
I walked into my mommy's room. She calmed me. She told me I was beautiful. Maybe I am not. But I needed anything, something to stop the negativity that was coursing through my body like electricity.
Bose stereo in surround sound blasting.
A high def LCD screen where I look like Moby Dick.
I have spent many times throughout my journey talking about this.
I have worked, and continue to work on attempting to control these moments.
I have been so pleased with myself because until today, I have been really successful at calming myself.
I realize the battle isn't over.
I will rage against myself.
I will stare back in horror at myself many more times in my life.
And my mommy won't always be able to make me feel pretty again.
I just want it to stop.
Sephora doesn't sell that product.
I can't purchase it online.
It is free.
But I am the only salesperson.
Sometimes the product is out of stock.
Not sold on eBay.

OK - but I feel better. I will focus on that. I will focus on the fact that in less than two hours I will be in the presence of two men who make me smile more than anyone.
Thomas and Kyle - my nephews. Kyle has renamed me "adida" - his ADORABLE attempt to say Aunt Dana. Have you ever smiled inside out upside down around the world and backwards? That is what they do to me.

I am going to continue to
atone
reflect
love
forgive
forever
It doesn't end.
I find
New ways to fuck up
New ways to amend.
New ways to forgive.
New ways to move on.
Ways to live, love, learn.

Hope and love,
Soul Dancer

Friday, September 14, 2007

Day 26...If it looks like a Jew and it talks like a Jew

No this is not some vicious antisemitic posting.


Wednesday until today at sundown is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. Basically it is the Jewish New Year.


I like to call it Jew Year's Eve - and in my mind's eye I have visions of Jackie Mason hosting the Rocking Jew Year's Eve special (early bird at 4:30 of course) where we count down from ten to see the matzoh ball drop!

I have stated in my "about me" intro that I am a DANCER.
Another thing that defines me deeply is the fact that I am a Jew.
However, I fought it for a long time.
The thing about Judaism is that it is both a religion and an ethnicity. People ask, "How can that be?"

Well, Jews believe that we are part of a bloodline. Though we did not have land to call or own, and have been historically kicked out of nations, or worse...
The bloodline is why Jews don't believe in conversion. Converts are accepted, but Jews don't go out and do Join the Temple drives. No crusades or Jihads for us.

I have two opposing opinions about that.
1. it is wonderful to know that your religion historically has not forced people to accept its ways
2. we are an elitist snobby religion

I stopped believing in the religious aspects of Judaism a long time ago. Though I believe in a spiritual being, I don't necessarily buy into the whole monotheistic judgement doom and gloom lord as spoken of by most of the western world.

I tried the whole devout Jew thing......I took Hebrew in college and fell for one Mr. Adam Katz - a reform Jew at birth who became orthodox. Very hard. Do you know that if you are orthodox, you are not supposed to TOUCH till you are married. Which is probably why they f*ck like rabbits and have all of those kids.



We had a few dinners, and I spent few Sabbaths with his family. He actually kissed me twice.

No tongue
But I was a total size 4 hottie back then as i barely ate carbs, danced 6 hours a day and ran for an additional 45 minutes per day.
He couldn't resist
It felt like a dirty little secret
who doesn't like a dirty little secret!
But I soon realized that I was not meant to be part of the orthodox life when I found myself at a college bar, dancing on top of the bar, in a less than orthodox approved outfit....
I realized I would never quite fit in.

I always observe the holidays. I love spending time with my family. As dysfunctional as they are, I do enjoy their company.
I think what I have discovered is a total case of how when younger, the world remains black and white. As our age increases, so does our understanding of the concept of "gray"....
I am not an orthodox Jew
I don't wear long skirts
I will not keep a kosher home
BUT
I will raise my kids with the religion
I love to celebrate the holidays with my family
I am KEENLY aware of cultural practices, mores, traditions that I take part of that are extremely "Jewish"

I am so happy to be at peace with that, and do not feel like a hypocrite, like I may have before.

I am a Jew!

Mazel Tov!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Day 25...When in Doubt RANT and ROLL baby

I HATE today. PMSisjustttheworstmostannoyingirrationalthingwehavetodealwitheveryfuckingmonthourwordsandthoughtsturninwardsothatallweseearetheugliestpartsofourselves


And nothing makes sense

Do I notice my
dainty ankles
or button nose
or shapely calves
I see deep love handles,
a mommybelly with nothing inside,
and NASTY thighs
I am not going to sit here an talk about PMS
we get it
it sucks
i hate myself for a few days and then I move on.


So.....as I sit here and rage I thought I would share with you a few of my favorite key phrases........I hope that you can comment and send me some of your faves.....

Every cloud has a silver lining - this phrase is a particularly annoying one - because clouds are beautiful in their "endlessness" - when riding in the plane, have you ever looked out the window to see the edge of a cloud? Oh look.....there are those silver lined clouds! SO much better than the amorphous never ending sky that draws shapes for our individual pairs of eyes to discover. Why don't we limit the ocean or the the sunset too with silver lining. The world will be a much better place! While we're at it, who needs an ENDLESS universe filled with possibilities. i much prefer finite spaces.

Believe you me - ok we are a nation that in general tends to follow the "AMERICA FIRST"philosophy. Then why do we adopt romance language grammar/syntax for this one phrase. Now, the thing is, it may be only a phrase used by Yentas in Long Island, but it is usually said in a stern tone of voice and is extremely annoying when you add the Long Island accent and loose index finger point. Try it in the mirror - you will literally ANNOY yourself!

When is saying to you that they want to change their ways...........and say they will do a Total 360..............no explanation needed

Indian Giver...this is WRONG on so many levels. What did American Indians EVER give to Europeans and take back. Personally, and I am not kidding, I am working diligently every day to flip the script and coin the phrase Colonist Giver. It just makes more sense and is way more historically accurate. The Dutch(I think it was the Dutch, sorry Mr Hettrich- 12th grade AP American History teacher) purchased Manhattan for a few trinkets!!!

I hate to say I told you so.............PUHHHHHHHLEASE. When someone says that I have to hold back the IMMEDIATE involuntary middle finger flip off. You don't hate to say it. And it has most likely already been said by the self-satisfied shit-eating grin that is on your face. UUGGHH!

WOW this is a much better use of PMS! Turning outward and raging against stupidity is way more enjoyable than staring at myself in a mirror and nitpicking!

Please comment and let me know what phrases cause your blood pressure to rise.........Believe You Me, it is worth the time!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer