Day 19...Old habits die hard

Midway Inventory.

I have learned some things............
I have fixed a few of them
I am working on others
Failing at a few
Overall in a better place than where I first started.

I am writing this in the guest room of my parents' house in Long Island. Overall, the weekend has been amazing. Lots of nephew time, lots of of family time, and great food. FYI no sex. I think I will need to address this in another post!

AAAAHHHH the food. Pushing a size 14 amongst an immediate family which includes the following:
- A brother who works out 3 separate times a day, be it karate, tennis, weights, or other cardio, and who follows the Okinawan way of life (shutters when you call it a diet)......he is less than 5 % body fat
- A sister in law who is a size 4 - looks great and seems to like the same food as me, however CONTROLS herself and exercises!
- A friend who has absolutely become a thin yet vivacious bombshell
- The piece de resistance - a mom who is a size 2 petite with curves

Great right!
My mom doesn't realize the insensitivity behind her comments. And to her defense, she is just trying to make me happy. She knows I am not happy at this size. But she has this tendency to drop a comment in front of a lot of people that makes me feel like the turkey float at the Macy*s Thanksgiving day parade.
Bloated and there for ALL TO GAWK AT.

I know she doesn't mean to do this. And I try NOT to get upset. Because any of you not sporting the perfect body know the double edged sword here. We get upset because we feel fat. We eat because we are upset, which makes us fatter.

I commented on how amazing I thought Valerie Bertinelli looked. She looks great! My mom IMMEDIATELY offered to pay for Jenny Craig. I refused.

I then thought about it for a bit. If the woman is willing to pay $150 or whatever a week for frozen food that works, but that I know I will never eat, why not think of a way to use that offered money towards something that I might actually enjoy. That might help in a more long term sense.

I belong to a gym.
I never go.
I used to go a lot when I had a trainer.
SOOOO I asked her to pay for that instead.
I am looking into it when I get back to DC.

My weight will be a struggle forever. It is a cause of many of my most vicious and self loathing diatribes. I can't seem to get it together. And mom's unfailing willpower and resilience to remain thin and in shape only provides the perfect example of what I am not living up to.

I am trying NOT to flip. Am sitting here breathing. Calmly telling myself that the anger I am throwing in her direction is anger at MYSELF.

Positive Action:
I am walking to Gold's Gym tomorrow and asking to sit down and work out the cost of a physical trainer three times a week. I am going to use this incredible financial gift she is providing and put her money where my mouth is. Anything is better to put there in lieu of food!

It is too easy for me to get angry with her. Still, after all these years, old habits die hard.

Habits like......
yelling at her
EATING TOO MUCH
transferring my frustrations on to her
EATING TOO MUCH
blaming her for making me care about the way I look
EATING TOO MUCH

Sensing a pattern..............I am thinking life is a series of two steps forward, and one 1/2 half back (yes I am conjuring images of Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat right now!).

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer