Here's the thing
i have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss. Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.
I think...............I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING *(vomit).
Oh god ...........I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them with someone I care about.
Until then.................batteries and porn it is.
So sad.
But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual object.
Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way.....you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart. Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.
I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it based on habit alone.
I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.
We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.
SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what I see as a positive experience.
standing over a cliff
on the edge
of change
does it mean I am negating past behavior
denouncing what was once fulfilling
as barren and base
it doesn't mean that
I won't let it
the stoves we touch
the burns we get
scars of regret
or badges of honor
maybe both
I see the past behind me
high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts
I cannot
will not
regret the men
who for means less than virtuous
I have allowed to enter my bed
enter me
I let it happen
I WANTED it to happen
I look ahead
over that new precipice
I see the same
high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts
of a different ilk
a passion of the heart
of my mind
as powerful
as strong
as pleasurable
Mount Everest
Napa Valley
Caribbean water
I stand over this cliff
I smile
I fear
with all the experience of the past
to guide me on this new road
I stand over
there is nothing
but the world
for me to see
through these new eyes
Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer
3 comments:
Some people would love to have your problem. But I could see how it could get old.
Wham bam, thank you ma'am and no emotional connection, is only half as satisfying.
Maybe you need to find a smart guy that wants the same thing you want. Does such a person exists?
Sure sounds like fun finding out. . .
It does get old. It definitely gets emppty.....i do think that sucn a man exists.....smart AND sexy. and yes I am excited about waiting for it.
Please DON'T Cut me Out!!
I'll do anything to have U take me back in yer Arms Dana + let me Rest my Weary Head on yer Bountiful Pillows!!
;))
Yeah Empty Sex without da Love sucks Big Time* I often Exit that Scenario as Quickly as possible but sometimes regret + miss a good ol' Romp in da Hay when I'm Scatchin' my Itchy Nuts 3 weeks later* + Goin' What the Heck was i thinkin'!!
;))
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