Day 29...Looking Back Leaping Forward

I want to share with you all something I wrote about the ex.............this was before the journey. A journey of 30 days EXTENDED to 60. Maybe I have been hesitant to write because I don't want it to end. But like all good things, it has to. It was with contentment I read this, feeling confident that I am no longer bound by hopes that are futile, or rather hopes wrapped up in a cloak of illusion. I apologize for the lengthy paragraphs, but they make sense to me as is. This is where I was at with the ex for a long time.



My story of the ex:

THE EX - we have known each other since seventh grade. We were always in homeroom together. He said he always remembered me talking about my shoes. I remember him as a chubby kid. I became friends with his older sister through my crazy dive into the Rave scene. Man, were those crazy days. I would be at their house, not sober and The Ex and his friends would be downstairs. I would be SO annoyed by the boys because they were loud and unruly and always trying to fuck everyone who wasn’t me. And I would never see The Ex that way……too big for my taste. OK so is this like divine fucking revenge???? I didn’t even see him back then and yet he was always quietly ogling me so he says. I was his fantasy, and I never once took the time to see beneath what I found to be an unattractive quality.

As I separated from the Ravers, graduated college, I would occasionally see The Ex. And I never wanted to touch him or anything like that, but we would always sit and talk the night away. Even when I was dating others, I was drawn to him. Intellectually only, but as a Gemini, those ties are often the most binding.

He asked me to edit his master’s degree thesis. That same summer he “ended” it with his girlfriend because of certain seedy actions on her part. We saw each other a lot. Friends only. I flashed him. You know, usual friend “stuff”. I remember the night. We were at a friend’s house; we were not drinking heavily, but he lived further away. I told him he could stay at my place. In my head, I hadn’t yet admitted what I wanted….hadn’t admitted what I knew was going to happen. But really………………… I lived in a fucking studio. I knew we would be sharing a bed! My god, that night.

We danced around the issue. We flirted with disaster. We lay in bed and he just looked at me and said, “I know this is going to sound funny, but I have dreamed of doing this for so long. Can I put my hand on your stomach?”

“Sure,” I said with a giggle. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me.

“I have wanted to do this for so long. I know it is silly, but you are so beautiful and I just want to touch you.”

Trying to hide the blushing and utter disbelief that I was actually looking forward to the moment when we were going to kiss, I turned on my back and let him.

I can’t tell you what we did – I can tell you that to date I have never been so happy in a man’s arms. It was as if this entire world opened up to me and I never recognized how amazing The Ex was. He loved every inch of my body. Couldn’t stop touching and kissing me. It was passionate, and he was sexy in a way I never thought he would be. We were together many times that night and into the morning. We would sleep for a half hour, roused awake by the stickiness of our sweaty bodies on my bed in my basement apt with no air conditioning. I was for the first time in my life, shell-shocked. I had no expectation, and yet this man had made my world change in one night.

A few months later he went back to the ex.

Four years later, and with many realizations that he is not the man I thought he was, I can’t run away from the desire to feel him. Not sexual…………….but rather completely. He is home to me. And as I type this I am so FUCKING angry at him for being weak and not choosing me over the safe choice, and I am even madder at myself for thinking that he is the one I need in my life.

But no one, no logical thought, no simply put words of wisdom can take away the fact that when I touch him, a simple truth prevails. He is home. I feel at home in his arms and want to be there again. This is a suck ass conclusion if you ask me! I hate it. But I cannot deny its existence.

I also can’t deny that something broke in me when The Ex broke my heart. Something changed in me forever. Ok so the idea of “broke my heart” – is this ever really the case? As an English teacher we are constantly urging the more sophisticated writers to avoid the passive tense and yet the phrase “he broke my heart” is so overused. Does any one truly have the capacity? The truth is I let him do it. I allowed myself to give in with NO caution – I didn’t stop to think that he might not be on the same roller coaster as me - I was on the cyclone at Coney Island, a fixture as permanent as Brooklyn itself, while The Ex was at a county fair playing whack-a-mole for a prize that he never intended to keep. But I never asked him those questions. I was so happy to have someone to dote over, and to have someone dote over me, I never stopped to think.

I digress. So with a broken heart (avoid passivity) I became afraid. I have never been afraid of love in my life. I have sought it constantly. And now I just am so afraid that I will meet someone again, and I will think the same way, and the same rug will be pulled out from underneath me. I don’t know if I could survive that. I don’t know if I could be me.

THE END

Oh EX..................I will miss what we had, but I no longer feel you are home. You were a summer vacation, intense and full of excitement. I couldn't live there forever. I can't say I am over you. But I am a lot further along in the process from where I started. I hope you enjoy the life you are creating for yourself. My story is yet to be told, mere fabric on a loom, but for the first time in a long time I feel this fabric is rich in texture, vibrant in color, and sturdy in its lasting power.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 28...The Yetta Strikes Back

I met my new grandma this weekend.
I hated every second of it.
I realized I would have been a HORRIBLE child of divorce.
HORRIBLE
I was of course cordial
polite

I remembered when I was in junior high school.

My brother broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years.......I was devastated and swore to be mean to the next one.
I cracked in a second.
I can't be mean.
And she was nice.

Yetta wasn't NOT nice.
but she was slightly opinionated
I guess at 80 you no longer feel the need to impress

I wasn't expecting to feel so weird.
I wasn't expecting to feel so territorial
This is not my grandma - this is not the woman who loved me
I don't have to forgive her gruffness.


But I never showed my grandpa I was feeling this.
Some of my cousins are being so rude about it.

He is almost 90
I do want him to be happy
I was cordial, but distant
My mom did a lot of the talking
My mom is an amazing woman.

AMAZING

Selfless!
And not just because she got be that gray coach bag
She us simply put a LADY

I felt like a petulant child
I felt like a brat
A Terrible Two-er
A bitch

I am an adult so I had the capacity to hold it in.
But if this were happening and I was 16........
Yetta would be faced with an enemy akin to Darth Vader

I think on a deeper level I am recognizing that maybe I was never that close with my grandpa.
I love him, but I never recognized how much my visits were about my grandma and me.

Men get the namesake
But believe me
Society as I know is still a MATRIARCHY
women rule the roost.
Hilda rules Morty's for 66 years
And now it is Yetta.

I wonder if I will be a brides maid?
I hope they don't kiss with tongue!

SO clearly I am not totally comfortable with this.
At least......
Not YET(ta)

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 27...Atoning

Today I am fasting.
We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.
A list of sins:
1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.
2. Illegal substances have entered my body.
3. I am guilty of manipulation.
4. I am guilty of lying.
5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)
6. I am materialistic
7. I am gluttonous
8. I can be jealous of people
9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.
10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.

I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".
It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst.
But I disagree.
It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.

You know that mantra, "God grant me the serenity......." becomes more and more relevant. I am happy that I am aware of them.
I am trying to arrest their development.
I am trying to make them minor characters, rather than the leads.
Let's say they should be Dr McSteamy to my better half McDreamy.
I am trying.
Old habits die hard
Married men don't get unsexy.
Coach bags remain pretty.

I was putting on makeup this morning at my parents' house. I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I immediately began to scream at myself. Inside out. Echoing. Ugly thoughts. Uglier words. I tried to stop and I couldn't. I went to the big dogs.
I walked into my mommy's room. She calmed me. She told me I was beautiful. Maybe I am not. But I needed anything, something to stop the negativity that was coursing through my body like electricity.
Bose stereo in surround sound blasting.
A high def LCD screen where I look like Moby Dick.
I have spent many times throughout my journey talking about this.
I have worked, and continue to work on attempting to control these moments.
I have been so pleased with myself because until today, I have been really successful at calming myself.
I realize the battle isn't over.
I will rage against myself.
I will stare back in horror at myself many more times in my life.
And my mommy won't always be able to make me feel pretty again.
I just want it to stop.
Sephora doesn't sell that product.
I can't purchase it online.
It is free.
But I am the only salesperson.
Sometimes the product is out of stock.
Not sold on eBay.

OK - but I feel better. I will focus on that. I will focus on the fact that in less than two hours I will be in the presence of two men who make me smile more than anyone.
Thomas and Kyle - my nephews. Kyle has renamed me "adida" - his ADORABLE attempt to say Aunt Dana. Have you ever smiled inside out upside down around the world and backwards? That is what they do to me.

I am going to continue to
atone
reflect
love
forgive
forever
It doesn't end.
I find
New ways to fuck up
New ways to amend.
New ways to forgive.
New ways to move on.
Ways to live, love, learn.

Hope and love,
Soul Dancer

Day 26...If it looks like a Jew and it talks like a Jew

No this is not some vicious antisemitic posting.


Wednesday until today at sundown is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. Basically it is the Jewish New Year.


I like to call it Jew Year's Eve - and in my mind's eye I have visions of Jackie Mason hosting the Rocking Jew Year's Eve special (early bird at 4:30 of course) where we count down from ten to see the matzoh ball drop!

I have stated in my "about me" intro that I am a DANCER.
Another thing that defines me deeply is the fact that I am a Jew.
However, I fought it for a long time.
The thing about Judaism is that it is both a religion and an ethnicity. People ask, "How can that be?"

Well, Jews believe that we are part of a bloodline. Though we did not have land to call or own, and have been historically kicked out of nations, or worse...
The bloodline is why Jews don't believe in conversion. Converts are accepted, but Jews don't go out and do Join the Temple drives. No crusades or Jihads for us.

I have two opposing opinions about that.
1. it is wonderful to know that your religion historically has not forced people to accept its ways
2. we are an elitist snobby religion

I stopped believing in the religious aspects of Judaism a long time ago. Though I believe in a spiritual being, I don't necessarily buy into the whole monotheistic judgement doom and gloom lord as spoken of by most of the western world.

I tried the whole devout Jew thing......I took Hebrew in college and fell for one Mr. Adam Katz - a reform Jew at birth who became orthodox. Very hard. Do you know that if you are orthodox, you are not supposed to TOUCH till you are married. Which is probably why they f*ck like rabbits and have all of those kids.



We had a few dinners, and I spent few Sabbaths with his family. He actually kissed me twice.

No tongue
But I was a total size 4 hottie back then as i barely ate carbs, danced 6 hours a day and ran for an additional 45 minutes per day.
He couldn't resist
It felt like a dirty little secret
who doesn't like a dirty little secret!
But I soon realized that I was not meant to be part of the orthodox life when I found myself at a college bar, dancing on top of the bar, in a less than orthodox approved outfit....
I realized I would never quite fit in.

I always observe the holidays. I love spending time with my family. As dysfunctional as they are, I do enjoy their company.
I think what I have discovered is a total case of how when younger, the world remains black and white. As our age increases, so does our understanding of the concept of "gray"....
I am not an orthodox Jew
I don't wear long skirts
I will not keep a kosher home
BUT
I will raise my kids with the religion
I love to celebrate the holidays with my family
I am KEENLY aware of cultural practices, mores, traditions that I take part of that are extremely "Jewish"

I am so happy to be at peace with that, and do not feel like a hypocrite, like I may have before.

I am a Jew!

Mazel Tov!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 25...When in Doubt RANT and ROLL baby

I HATE today. PMSisjustttheworstmostannoyingirrationalthingwehavetodealwitheveryfuckingmonthourwordsandthoughtsturninwardsothatallweseearetheugliestpartsofourselves


And nothing makes sense

Do I notice my
dainty ankles
or button nose
or shapely calves
I see deep love handles,
a mommybelly with nothing inside,
and NASTY thighs
I am not going to sit here an talk about PMS
we get it
it sucks
i hate myself for a few days and then I move on.

So.....as I sit here and rage I thought I would share with you a few of my favorite key phrases........I hope that you can comment and send me some of your faves.....

Every cloud has a silver lining - this phrase is a particularly annoying one - because clouds are beautiful in their "endlessness" - when riding in the plane, have you ever looked out the window to see the edge of a cloud? Oh look.....there are those silver lined clouds! SO much better than the amorphous never ending sky that draws shapes for our individual pairs of eyes to discover. Why don't we limit the ocean or the the sunset too with silver lining. The world will be a much better place! While we're at it, who needs an ENDLESS universe filled with possibilities. i much prefer finite spaces.

Believe you me - ok we are a nation that in general tends to follow the "AMERICA FIRST"philosophy. Then why do we adopt romance language grammar/syntax for this one phrase. Now, the thing is, it may be only a phrase used by Yentas in Long Island, but it is usually said in a stern tone of voice and is extremely annoying when you add the Long Island accent and loose index finger point. Try it in the mirror - you will literally ANNOY yourself!

When is saying to you that they want to change their ways...........and say they will do a Total 360..............no explanation needed

Indian Giver...this is WRONG on so many levels. What did American Indians EVER give to Europeans and take back. Personally, and I am not kidding, I am working diligently every day to flip the script and coin the phrase Colonist Giver. It just makes more sense and is way more historically accurate. The Dutch(I think it was the Dutch, sorry Mr Hettrich- 12th grade AP American History teacher) purchased Manhattan for a few trinkets!!!

I hate to say I told you so.............PUHHHHHHHLEASE. When someone says that I have to hold back the IMMEDIATE involuntary middle finger flip off. You don't hate to say it. And it has most likely already been said by the self-satisfied shit-eating grin that is on your face. UUGGHH!

WOW this is a much better use of PMS! Turning outward and raging against stupidity is way more enjoyable than staring at myself in a mirror and nitpicking!

Please comment and let me know what phrases cause your blood pressure to rise.........Believe You Me, it is worth the time!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 24...At Least the Burgers Were Good

I'm back -in DC. Back from 5 weeks in row of traveling.


Today was the unveiling. This woman. my grandma. I miss her. Her great grandchildren miss her.


I shared my eulogy that I read at her memorial with you yesterday. Today.........I saw her memory disrespected. I saw my mother crushed. I witnessed the opening scene of a Woody Allen movie. I can't take credit for that comparison......It was Linda (see Post 22).


SKIP OVER NEXT PARAGRAPH (if you don't want to hear a cougar slam a celebrity.....also might be good to skip for continuity of plot)


BREAK IN THE STORY - i hate to do this....but if possible, if you haven't already please Please PLEASE take the time to see Britney Spears' opening performance of her new single at the VMAs. OMG............a train wreck.
Notes to Britney ...........
Shave your underarms before performing
Try not to stumble.
A little energy goes a long way while dancing......
OH and one SHOULD at least attempt to mouth the words of the song they are lip syncing.

My claws are back in.......sorry i I shattered your illusions of me as a sweet wallflower!

If I were to imagine my family movie in my mind. I imagine it as epic. Francis Ford Coppola to direct. Opening scene..........a wedding. Mine. Part of Dana to be played by Scarlett Johanssen. My husband played by Richard Gere circa American Giggolo.


Our movie is epic and dramatic.

Our reality is much closed to Woody Allan. Linda is right. Comedy. Dysfunctional Eastern European Jewish family. A bit quirky, but family nonetheless.

We arrived at the cemetery and within minutes everyone was there except my brother Kirk. Grandpa appeared on edge and kept asking where he was. Upon Kirk's arrival, grandpa became impatient because the rabbi was late.

When finally the ceremony began, I was surprised by how upset I was. My grandmother and I fought a lot. It is because we are both bullheaded. I didn't get to the point that she stopped infuriating me. I still have guilt because I was never allowed the time to tell her how amazing I thought she was. She was a character.
She would put on a fake neck brace to get to the front of the line at Duffy Square to get us all tickets for a Broadway show. It was mortifying, but also genius.
She had this crazy cast of friends.....with crazier stories.
And all of these emotions came flooding back. Grandma and I were not at peace and so I have been left to make peace on my own.
And so as the rabbi spoke about her, I cried.
I looked around and all of us were crying.
One sweet thing I will point out is my nephew Kyle, while I was visibly upset reached over from his daddy's grasp to pat my back. I tell ya - PURE GENIUS!!!
When it was over, we adjourned to this family restaurant.
Grandpa looked frail.....he has been up late lately.

My grandpa met someone...............

He met her 6 weeks ago. He bought her an engagement ring last week.

In the MIDDLE of lunch, he received a phone call. It was her. She was also in town and the two were headed back upstate NY where they are living until the end of the month. He left half his grilled cheese, a lot of fries, and his ENTIRE family without a kiss or hug to go pick up his betrothed.

I am happy for him. I am. But we all were in shock. This was a day set aside to honor the memory of an amazing woman whom he was married to for 66 years. And he just walked out. It was surreal. Enter the Woody Allenesque quality......I expected him to walk in. I wanted my grandpa to come back.

Even my brother........who never has a bad word to say about anyone, when asked about grandpa's actions stated, "At least the burgers were good."

I hate that I was angry with him. I hate that a 90 year old man is acting like a child. I hate that he has shown us that it was my grandma, all these years that wanted to be with us. I hate that 66 years could be erased so easily. I am so guilty for being angry.

I know that all will be fine. I just hate when life is so one sided. When we are asked to accept and give what is not being given to us in return.

I feel my grandma was shamed yesterday. Of course, I will never say this to him. He will never hear anything but my words of support. I refuse to have another grandparent go with unsettled business.

I love him and I want his happiness. But I also want my grandma back. I want to her about the twins Dee and Pepsi and the stories about her INSANE friend Paula Wahka. I want her to be in version of my movie, at my wedding. I want her to see me as a mom. I just miss her..more than I knew. More than I know.

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer

Day 23...In Loving Memory

I am in New York this weekend(again) for my grandma's unveiling ceremony. An unveiling is a ceremony that dedicates a grave monument erected for someone who passed away twelves months earlier.

Today's post is the speech I gave at her memorial service, with some minor changes for anonymity's sake.

I was asked to speak about my grandma today.......


I would first like to share a few memories.............


My cousin and I playing in the bathtub with very sophisticated toys - a whisk and a spatula!


Laying in bed with her for hours chatting about movies we liked while she was scratching my back or "doing my feet". On a side note to that I also remember how my Uncle would always get in trouble by my Aunt for getting a foot rub during the holidays. Somehow he was successful in sneaking it in!


I can’t sugarcoat things completely though. She had her faults, and I know this because as I get older I realize I share a lot of them. I, like grandma am very opinionated and feel I have the right to open my mouth whenever I want! It certainly caused us to bicker, and those are the arguments I wish I could have with her for a few more years.


But I also remember her fierce generosity! Sometimes it could be a bit scary as she would LITERALLY offer you the shirt off her back, in public, and she wouldn’t be wearing anything underneath.

But it also came in amazing forms, like effortlessly helping her grandchildren when they needed it! And providing a place to stay or a vacation home to escape to whenever we wanted.

I think all of her 7 grandchildren have very unique and amazing memories! One cousin absolutely loved her meatballs.....well not really!!!
My brother and I were constantly putting on shows for her! A favorite was our rendition of Mr. Roboto.
Priceless!

One cousin lived with her during her early twenties!

My oldest brother and my grandparents were known for their political debates.

And recently with her great grandchildren...well they loved her dearly.

Every single holiday in both my mom’s and Aunt's house consisted of two tables the adult table and the kiddie table, and Grandma could care less about the adults. She loved to be near her great grandchildren and hear their cries of Gigi.

I wish my nephews would have been able to experience her more. I am sure they are missing out and we will have to share the stories.......I think grandma got energy from all of us and that is why she loved being around the "kids".

On a lighter note, and it wouldn’t be a proper eulogy without it, it is going to be a much milder, less stressful year for waitresses this snowbird season in the Boynton, Boca and Delray beach area restaurants.

I am sure her children, my mom and Uncle could share a dozen anecdotes about her, but I think the outspoken nature skipped a generation and you are stuck with me...........but there are a million stories mom has told me that have made me giggle and I will ask her to repeat them often!


Surrounding grandma her whole life as we know was the love of her life, my grandpa. They were married 66 years;it is amazing to think of that. It is more than twice my life so far. And we will never forget the sweet quiet way in which my grandma used to call his name! Their success in marriage is a lesson for us all.

I love you grandma. Thank you for being the matriarch of this family.



Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 22...The Disney Room

I have been having some trouble breathing. Every once in a while I get this sharp pain in the middle of my back when I inhale. It has happened to me for years, but of late it has happened more frequently.

Finding a doctor in Washington DC who practices internal medicine, and is WILLING to take on new patients is like finding the literal needle in the haystack.
Yesterday, after MANY phone calls to rude receptionists who practically hang up but instead bark back that they are at capacity, I found a doctor RIGHT around the corner from my office. And they had an opening today for 3:30.
I awoke this morning in MAJOR pain. Not any of this pain was with my breathing, or lungs (which was my diagnosis - convinced of lung cancer as I was a smoker of 15 years........WAS). I felt as if a chef at Benihana had come into my studio apt and sliced and diced every one of my ab muscles, as well as my lower back muscles.
WHY?
I went to the gym yesterday.
TWICE.
I stated on Monday that my mother agreed to pay for a trainer.
She lied.
well.............I am exaggerating
The gym I go to charges $70 an hour.....IF you pay for 36 sessions in advance.
Rightfully so, my mom quickly reneged the offer!
But like a good little Jew, I did manage to squeeze a Target trip for gym clothes, as well as a Sports Authority trip for those new CEMENT bras.....one DOESN'T want to sag....
But I was not going to let motivation lay to waste.
I would not have a trainer.
I WILL go to the gym.
During lunch, I walked to the gym with a work friend of mine to do some cardio. Strategically I placed myself behind him for two reasons:
1. I did not want him to see me.....I don't wear leopard leotards, but still this is Day one of a 30 pound, or rather 3-4 size decrease quest!
2. he has a ROCKING body and I was hoping he would at LEAST be wearing a sleeveless shirt while running. HE WAS! Thank you for the eye candy!!!!
I just did a small amount of working out and then headed back to work.
I then went to Pilates at 8:15. Pilates is a lot like floor work in modern dance. Very focused on "core work" - abs, back. Basically our centers become the inspiration for movement out through to the limbs.
I was a dancer.
I am a dancer still.
But an out of shape one.
The problem is, once my body is slightly warm, it tends to think it is back to its undergrad size 4 flexibility and strength.
It isn't.
Not by a long shot.
So here I am stretching....leg to head. belly over to knees.......which is EASIER when a bit heavier, less to go!
Feet stretched
Belly button to spine
Arms extended
Working as if I was once again a sophomore on winter break at the Martha Graham intensive
It felt good for the second half.
The first half was spent in a pity party hosted by me for me.
Luckily movement, arts, music can lift the soul even when our basest selves are trying to suck the life out of it.
I left my own party and joined the living.
I left the class exhilarated.
I woke up in pain.
But I digress.........
It is of course, good ol' Murphy's law that on the day of my visit to the doctor, I didn't feel the "lung pain" at all.
I went to my appt and LOVED the receptionists. Three wonderful men chatting me up.
Here's the thing
This isn't a regular doctor
OH NO
he also specializes in infectious diseases and hematology
AND................
he does BOTOX
yes I said BOTOX
now call me vain- but these "11" lines on my forehead, not so pretty.
It is certainly not something that I will do anytime soon, but one always feels better with a certified Botoxologist around the corner from work. My mother immediately asked, "How much?" Didn't say that it wasn't necessary (she makes me laugh so much, I love her!).
Then the doctor called me in
DEAR GOD is he CUTE......
I walk into this room
my jaws dropped open
he saw my response as I eyeballed about 15 stuffed Mickey and Minnie mice in the corner, 101 Dalmatians poster autographed by Cruella herself, and a plethora of other images from what I believe to be one of the biggest scam companies of the world. I love their movies, but where is the GOD DAMNED vault that the films go into after they are released for two week clips, sending children into frenzied panic attacks.
He says to me, without a blink of the eye, "This is the Disney Room."
"Aaaahh, makes sense."
"The I Love Lucy Room is next door."
Pointing to my auburn ponytail I reply, "I think that room would have suited me better!"
He smiled and laughed.
DEAR god how can I not think about sex when a hottie Dr. with a cute ass is thrown in my FACE!
Totally adorable doctor man proceeded to play 50 questions. I gave one lame symptom, and he tried his damnedest to find out the root of this mysterious back pain...as he called it, while I insisted it was "lung" pain.
Well, it turns out he refused to diagnose me with some HORRIBLE lung related disease.
My medicine is to take 2 Alleve 2 times a day and to lose weight, as big breasts and fat guts tend to cause back pain.
I don't know if I agree with his diagnosis as the pain is more internal, and has never ONCE felt muscular.
I will give him the benefit of the doubt.
This time.
After all
Mickey and Minnie nodded in agreement as they were led back to the vault!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 21...ENOUGH with the S-E-X

That is what my sister-in-law told me. Perfect thing for her to say because it will allow for two things.


1 - to talk about her

2 - to demonstrate to me that there indeed is some internal improvement going on here

Linda has been married to my brother for almost 11 years.

If they get divorced she officially gets custody of me. She is more than my sister-in-law. She is my sister. I have fallen in love with her family. Linda often says, "Everyone is trying to get out, and you keep pushing your way in!"

We weren't always so close. She is a WASP - it took her a while to warm up.
Us Jews melted the ice in her veins. She is not quite warm and fuzzy, but we do have her ON FILM talking to her son with a baby voice.

You can't imagine two more people so different and yet so alike.

A COMPARE/CONTRAST LIST FOR LINDA AND DANA

Similarities:

• Both extreme control freaks
• Both love pizza with pepperoni shavings from Emilio's
• Both are extremely family oriented
• Both love Charles Barkley, Gary Gulman, and Dane Cook
• Both tend to beat up on ourselves constantly. What we do is never good enough, while we are extremely forgiving of others
• Both like a good chick flick
• Both are defenders of my mom
• Both have a brother who suffers from major Jan Brady middle child syndrome
• Both are keenly aware of our insanities - and both doggedly persist in the belief that only those who don't know they are crazy are ACTUALLY crazy
• Both know that we hit the jackpot in terms of potential sisters in law as we have experience with the other kind. (OK maybe she won't admit to this but I know it is true!)

Differences:

• I have breasts that can be used as pillows.......
• Linda is extremely practical, I live in a dreamworld a lot of the time.
• Linda is frugal. I am broke.
• Linda is cautious. I am an accident waiting to happen.
• Linda is reserved. I am slightly outspoken (just slightly though)
• Linda is diligent when she sets her mind to a project. I can get a bit A.D.D. at times.
• Linda achieves her goals and immediately sets new ones. I change my mind a million times.
• Linda doesn't LOVE sex. We all know my feelings.
• Linda looks at things in black and white. My world is colored in shades of gray.
• Linda acts with her mind. I am led by my heart.

We are polar opposites, and yet so alike. I love her dearly, and am blessed to have her.

But enough of kissing her ass......

Yesterday, she said about my blog, which she reads dutifully every day, "Enough with the s-e-x!" And proceeded to comment on how I am leaning towards the Carrie Bradshaw banter of Sex in the City.

And the normal reaction came as sure as taxes.....I was doubtful and was thinking that maybe my writing is derivative. Maybe not everyone is comfortable reading about sex so frequently.

I went to sleep soon after that. I woke up with a smile. I realized that Linda's comments had NOTHING to do with my writing, but rather with her reaction TO the writing. This reaction is none of my business, and she is completely entitled to it.

I talk about sex a lot. But guess what????? I think about it a lot. And I smiled with ease as I let go of her comment.

It is so incredible how we learn best by repetition. I will learn this lesson a lot. It feels good to reinforce. The time between getting upset and angry is diminishing. Eventually, it will be the immediate response. Think about it, take what you need and let it go.

So to Linda, I am sorry....but you may have to read a bit more about S-E-X! But we'll always have Emilio's pepperoni shavings.

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer

Day 20...The Precipice

I love sex. And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

i have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss. Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.
I think...............I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING *(vomit).
Oh god ...........I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them with someone I care about.
Until then.................batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual object.

Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way.....you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart. Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it based on habit alone.

I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.
We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what I see as a positive experience.

standing over a cliff

on the edge

of change

does it mean I am negating past behavior

denouncing what was once fulfilling

as barren and base

it doesn't mean that

I won't let it

the stoves we touch

the burns we get

scars of regret

or badges of honor

maybe both

I see the past behind me

high mountainous peaks

low fertile valleys

tidal waves of love

passion

crashing

into

over

above

beyond

within

my body

coursing through my veins

bursting through tear ducts

I cannot

will not

regret the men

who for means less than virtuous

I have allowed to enter my bed

enter me

I let it happen

I WANTED it to happen

I look ahead

over that new precipice

I see the same

high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts

of a different ilk

a passion of the heart

of my mind

as powerful

as strong

as pleasurable

Mount Everest

Napa Valley

Caribbean water

I stand over this cliff

I smile

I fear

with all the experience of the past

to guide me on this new road

I stand over

there is nothing

but the world

for me to see

through these new eyes

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer

Day 19...Old habits die hard

Midway Inventory.

I have learned some things............
I have fixed a few of them
I am working on others
Failing at a few
Overall in a better place than where I first started.

I am writing this in the guest room of my parents' house in Long Island. Overall, the weekend has been amazing. Lots of nephew time, lots of of family time, and great food. FYI no sex. I think I will need to address this in another post!

AAAAHHHH the food. Pushing a size 14 amongst an immediate family which includes the following:
- A brother who works out 3 separate times a day, be it karate, tennis, weights, or other cardio, and who follows the Okinawan way of life (shutters when you call it a diet)......he is less than 5 % body fat
- A sister in law who is a size 4 - looks great and seems to like the same food as me, however CONTROLS herself and exercises!
- A friend who has absolutely become a thin yet vivacious bombshell
- The piece de resistance - a mom who is a size 2 petite with curves

Great right!
My mom doesn't realize the insensitivity behind her comments. And to her defense, she is just trying to make me happy. She knows I am not happy at this size. But she has this tendency to drop a comment in front of a lot of people that makes me feel like the turkey float at the Macy*s Thanksgiving day parade.
Bloated and there for ALL TO GAWK AT.

I know she doesn't mean to do this. And I try NOT to get upset. Because any of you not sporting the perfect body know the double edged sword here. We get upset because we feel fat. We eat because we are upset, which makes us fatter.

I commented on how amazing I thought Valerie Bertinelli looked. She looks great! My mom IMMEDIATELY offered to pay for Jenny Craig. I refused.

I then thought about it for a bit. If the woman is willing to pay $150 or whatever a week for frozen food that works, but that I know I will never eat, why not think of a way to use that offered money towards something that I might actually enjoy. That might help in a more long term sense.

I belong to a gym.
I never go.
I used to go a lot when I had a trainer.
SOOOO I asked her to pay for that instead.
I am looking into it when I get back to DC.

My weight will be a struggle forever. It is a cause of many of my most vicious and self loathing diatribes. I can't seem to get it together. And mom's unfailing willpower and resilience to remain thin and in shape only provides the perfect example of what I am not living up to.

I am trying NOT to flip. Am sitting here breathing. Calmly telling myself that the anger I am throwing in her direction is anger at MYSELF.

Positive Action:
I am walking to Gold's Gym tomorrow and asking to sit down and work out the cost of a physical trainer three times a week. I am going to use this incredible financial gift she is providing and put her money where my mouth is. Anything is better to put there in lieu of food!

It is too easy for me to get angry with her. Still, after all these years, old habits die hard.

Habits like......
yelling at her
EATING TOO MUCH
transferring my frustrations on to her
EATING TOO MUCH
blaming her for making me care about the way I look
EATING TOO MUCH

Sensing a pattern..............I am thinking life is a series of two steps forward, and one 1/2 half back (yes I am conjuring images of Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat right now!).

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer