Day 26...If it looks like a Jew and it talks like a Jew

No this is not some vicious antisemitic posting.


Wednesday until today at sundown is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. Basically it is the Jewish New Year.


I like to call it Jew Year's Eve - and in my mind's eye I have visions of Jackie Mason hosting the Rocking Jew Year's Eve special (early bird at 4:30 of course) where we count down from ten to see the matzoh ball drop!

I have stated in my "about me" intro that I am a DANCER.
Another thing that defines me deeply is the fact that I am a Jew.
However, I fought it for a long time.
The thing about Judaism is that it is both a religion and an ethnicity. People ask, "How can that be?"

Well, Jews believe that we are part of a bloodline. Though we did not have land to call or own, and have been historically kicked out of nations, or worse...
The bloodline is why Jews don't believe in conversion. Converts are accepted, but Jews don't go out and do Join the Temple drives. No crusades or Jihads for us.

I have two opposing opinions about that.
1. it is wonderful to know that your religion historically has not forced people to accept its ways
2. we are an elitist snobby religion

I stopped believing in the religious aspects of Judaism a long time ago. Though I believe in a spiritual being, I don't necessarily buy into the whole monotheistic judgement doom and gloom lord as spoken of by most of the western world.

I tried the whole devout Jew thing......I took Hebrew in college and fell for one Mr. Adam Katz - a reform Jew at birth who became orthodox. Very hard. Do you know that if you are orthodox, you are not supposed to TOUCH till you are married. Which is probably why they f*ck like rabbits and have all of those kids.



We had a few dinners, and I spent few Sabbaths with his family. He actually kissed me twice.

No tongue
But I was a total size 4 hottie back then as i barely ate carbs, danced 6 hours a day and ran for an additional 45 minutes per day.
He couldn't resist
It felt like a dirty little secret
who doesn't like a dirty little secret!
But I soon realized that I was not meant to be part of the orthodox life when I found myself at a college bar, dancing on top of the bar, in a less than orthodox approved outfit....
I realized I would never quite fit in.

I always observe the holidays. I love spending time with my family. As dysfunctional as they are, I do enjoy their company.
I think what I have discovered is a total case of how when younger, the world remains black and white. As our age increases, so does our understanding of the concept of "gray"....
I am not an orthodox Jew
I don't wear long skirts
I will not keep a kosher home
BUT
I will raise my kids with the religion
I love to celebrate the holidays with my family
I am KEENLY aware of cultural practices, mores, traditions that I take part of that are extremely "Jewish"

I am so happy to be at peace with that, and do not feel like a hypocrite, like I may have before.

I am a Jew!

Mazel Tov!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 20...The Precipice

I love sex. And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

i have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss. Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.
I think...............I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING *(vomit).
Oh god ...........I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them with someone I care about.
Until then.................batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual object.

Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way.....you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart. Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it based on habit alone.

I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.
We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what I see as a positive experience.

standing over a cliff

on the edge

of change

does it mean I am negating past behavior

denouncing what was once fulfilling

as barren and base

it doesn't mean that

I won't let it

the stoves we touch

the burns we get

scars of regret

or badges of honor

maybe both

I see the past behind me

high mountainous peaks

low fertile valleys

tidal waves of love

passion

crashing

into

over

above

beyond

within

my body

coursing through my veins

bursting through tear ducts

I cannot

will not

regret the men

who for means less than virtuous

I have allowed to enter my bed

enter me

I let it happen

I WANTED it to happen

I look ahead

over that new precipice

I see the same

high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts

of a different ilk

a passion of the heart

of my mind

as powerful

as strong

as pleasurable

Mount Everest

Napa Valley

Caribbean water

I stand over this cliff

I smile

I fear

with all the experience of the past

to guide me on this new road

I stand over

there is nothing

but the world

for me to see

through these new eyes

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer