Day 30...With Arms Wide Open

My last day - I have spanned my month of fame long enough. Being someone who has always followed the rules..............I asked my friend, "what do I do if I want to keep writing?"

DUH - I KEEP WRITING!!!!


And so I will. Having worked on my book for a while, I think I need to take some real time to develop an action plan. I thought I would share the title of my book with you all.


Marry Me Justin, or if not How About an Affair? A 30 Year Old's Journey to Inner and Outer Beauty


Are you hooked? I am trying to get to triple digit pages. Trying to send to an editor when I have that much. And so I plan on drilling down on that and getting it ready to go by the new year. An aggressive, though doable goal!


This process has been mind blowing, orgasmic, and one of the healthiest steps I have taken in a long time. I have reconnected with an old friend named creativity.....I have missed her. I hope not to lose touch with her again.

I find it astounding how easy it is to not make time for the positive, or how easy it is to make excuses. Believe me, I still do it! And I am comfortable enough to say that I will do it again. But I also believe that I am, in spite of myself, and with some active thought, sneaking in some positive changes as well.

I am someone who wants instant gratification - I am working on trying to be more patient. I am also working on recognizing change isn't overnight. And that there are some crazy things about me that I may not ever change.

What I sense is that rather than trying to judge myself with thoughts like, "that is good, that is bad.....that is right or wrong," I should ask different questions. I should be asking why and how. I want to understand why I do what I do and how I can make decisions that lead me in the correct path. I am also thinking about what exactly that path is. I know now that I don't really know....I am sometimes ok with that.

When I started this, as usual I was expecting overnight change. I am not a new or different person. I am a richer person (NOT in terms of material wealth), a more reflective person, a more hopeful person.

I remain a work in progress, but am developing a greater sense of who I am.

I remain amazed at the positive people I have connected with, further solidifying my faith in humans.

I will be in touch with a potential new blog spot. I will not lose touch with my writing, nor the people who have inspired me.

Thank you.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 20...The Precipice

I love sex. And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

i have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss. Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.
I think...............I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING *(vomit).
Oh god ...........I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them with someone I care about.
Until then.................batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual object.

Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way.....you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart. Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it based on habit alone.

I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.
We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what I see as a positive experience.

standing over a cliff

on the edge

of change

does it mean I am negating past behavior

denouncing what was once fulfilling

as barren and base

it doesn't mean that

I won't let it

the stoves we touch

the burns we get

scars of regret

or badges of honor

maybe both

I see the past behind me

high mountainous peaks

low fertile valleys

tidal waves of love

passion

crashing

into

over

above

beyond

within

my body

coursing through my veins

bursting through tear ducts

I cannot

will not

regret the men

who for means less than virtuous

I have allowed to enter my bed

enter me

I let it happen

I WANTED it to happen

I look ahead

over that new precipice

I see the same

high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts

of a different ilk

a passion of the heart

of my mind

as powerful

as strong

as pleasurable

Mount Everest

Napa Valley

Caribbean water

I stand over this cliff

I smile

I fear

with all the experience of the past

to guide me on this new road

I stand over

there is nothing

but the world

for me to see

through these new eyes

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer