Day 9...Priceless

I didn't write yesterday.
I was busy........

Being part of a miracle of sorts. Though I didn't know the foundation
of this miracle started my freshman year of college.

I met amazing women. Three. I don't keep in touch with
them on the same time table. But there is instant comfort
...instant love....and instant LAUGHTER.

We love each other.
I feel blessed.
In many different ways, we were all open and that allowed
us to connect in a way that not all people can.

Throughout changes.......and post-college life choices that
could pull apart most, we remain friends.

We are cheerleaders rooting for each other.

We are hot chocolate on a snowy day and the feel of water
on the hot humid haze of August.

I have never laughed so hard in my life. I couldn't breathe.
My abs are sore. I was, still am elated.

At one point, my eyes glazed over. I was diving within. Feeling
less than. Judging myself.


My friend noticed and asked, "Are you getting introspective?"

To which I replied, "Yes."

She knew why. She wouldn't allow me to think I was less than
because I was single. She replied with a smile, immediately
snapping me out of potential pity party,

"Not on my time!"


We broke out in hysterical laughter and that was the end of it.

It was a miracle to be amongst people without having to,
needing to, WANTING to hide anything. I am so lucky.

I am so embarrassed to sing for ANYONE. I sing for them...
horribly. Our faces hurt from smiling.

I can get so sensitive when I feel I am the butt of a joke.
Those feelings are often not anything more than ME judging
myself. I have never felt this once. We are all laughing with,
never at.

What a gift to be reminded why we try to interpret, analyze,
and reflect while in the midst of sadness. It is because it allows
us to enjoy and appreciate the happy occasions with a newer,
deeper sense of joy and understanding.

If only the phrase, "laughing my ass off" could be literal...

I would be down two sizes.

I feel so full...perhaps the multitude of mozzarella sticks.

But I think it is because my heart expanded so much. For
two days I didn't give in to the temptation of comparing
myself to someone/something that doesn't exist. I didn't
feel lonely and I didn't feel that being single was somehow
a jail sentence because of a crime I committed. I was in the
present completely.

I was happy.

I wasn't disconnected or hidden from ANYONE......
even from myself.

Priceless

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 6... Sloughing off the Excess

I woke up this morning in a shitty mood. I am having money troubles. I am a fiscal failure with a promising job. It is a sad pathetic treatise on my inability to live within my means. But it is true.

Because of this, I had to ask my brother for help. I couldn't ask my father again...

ONE MORE TIME

Because he has helped me so often, and without payback.

Maybe it this journey I am on of late. A journey to be the best me. But I went to my brother knowing he would help and knowing he would be strict about the following:

1. I WILL pay him back
2. There will be no money directly deposited in my acct.
3. He will force me to admit everything about my spending habits and help me come up with a plan

Needless to say, I felt like a baby sister in the truest form last night.

I went to bed with an inspired idea on what to write about. I would write about how it is a blessing to have someone to fall on when you are in need. How I was humiliated but calm about it all for the first time. I felt a change ahead. I feel a change in me.

I am not going to lie to get the money. I told him my predicament. I tried not to cry.

It didn't work.

But instead of ending on this note of hope, I woke up to find an email from a friend, who is clearly NOT a friend anymore.

We were close.....so close for so long when I first moved down to DC. She is this amazing female who feels the need to help everyone around her selflessly.

Except she neglects to work for one person. Herself.

And I have to say I took advantage of her. Maybe not consciously, but I did. I was broke when I came down here. And I was sad because I didn't have the "dream job" or even a permanent job at first.

But little by little, I started to gain strength. I started to not need her. This is not what bothered her - because she is at heart someone whom I KNOW wants to see me happy.

The problem is... I was now strong enough to help her. I was now able to see that our relationship was unequal and I wanted to contribute. I was met with closed ears and retreat.

I pushed, wrongfully so. And our friendship, then exacerbated by the fact that we lived together became unbearable for both of us. A big blow out pushed me out of our apartment and into where I currently live.

We didn't talk for six months.

We tried again.
This was a new friend.
A friend with a boyfriend.
A friend with HOPE and HAPPINESS.
A different person.

I was elated. I was truly happy for her. I would stare at the two of them. He is sweet, and definitely a positive force.

It makes me smile........

And then the other shoe dropped.
I found out about my ex's engagement.

CRASH...

She was no where to be found and I don't know why. I called her and expressed disappointment. I didn't yell.

I have screamed before.
I was hurt and said so.
She never responded - 2 weeks and no call to see if I was OK.

I got my first communication this morning. It was a quick email saying that someone was after me for money. She let me know as much and said she would not pick up the phone (which is totally FINE by me).

The tone could be described as.........

Condescending.
Mean-spirited.
Uncaring at best.

I was not sad, and I was not going to do the thing that my mother does. Which is somehow blame myself. I will not blame myself for the the fact that my heart, whether justifiably or not, hurts. I will not blame myself for needing a friend.

I will no longer blame her either.
I am sloughing off the excess.

Why continue to try when clearly it is broken. I am not going to launch a diatribe against her. I am not going to say she is a horrible person.

She isn't. She is better than most.
Definitely better than me.

She is simply not a good friend for me. And I gather, that she feels the same about me.

This exfoliation today was rough. It hurt. But like any good skincare professional will say, it was necessary to clean out the matrix below.




Hope and love,
Soul Dancer