Day 6... Sloughing off the Excess

I woke up this morning in a shitty mood. I am having money troubles. I am a fiscal failure with a promising job. It is a sad pathetic treatise on my inability to live within my means. But it is true.

Because of this, I had to ask my brother for help. I couldn't ask my father again...

ONE MORE TIME

Because he has helped me so often, and without payback.

Maybe it this journey I am on of late. A journey to be the best me. But I went to my brother knowing he would help and knowing he would be strict about the following:

1. I WILL pay him back
2. There will be no money directly deposited in my acct.
3. He will force me to admit everything about my spending habits and help me come up with a plan

Needless to say, I felt like a baby sister in the truest form last night.

I went to bed with an inspired idea on what to write about. I would write about how it is a blessing to have someone to fall on when you are in need. How I was humiliated but calm about it all for the first time. I felt a change ahead. I feel a change in me.

I am not going to lie to get the money. I told him my predicament. I tried not to cry.

It didn't work.

But instead of ending on this note of hope, I woke up to find an email from a friend, who is clearly NOT a friend anymore.

We were close.....so close for so long when I first moved down to DC. She is this amazing female who feels the need to help everyone around her selflessly.

Except she neglects to work for one person. Herself.

And I have to say I took advantage of her. Maybe not consciously, but I did. I was broke when I came down here. And I was sad because I didn't have the "dream job" or even a permanent job at first.

But little by little, I started to gain strength. I started to not need her. This is not what bothered her - because she is at heart someone whom I KNOW wants to see me happy.

The problem is... I was now strong enough to help her. I was now able to see that our relationship was unequal and I wanted to contribute. I was met with closed ears and retreat.

I pushed, wrongfully so. And our friendship, then exacerbated by the fact that we lived together became unbearable for both of us. A big blow out pushed me out of our apartment and into where I currently live.

We didn't talk for six months.

We tried again.
This was a new friend.
A friend with a boyfriend.
A friend with HOPE and HAPPINESS.
A different person.

I was elated. I was truly happy for her. I would stare at the two of them. He is sweet, and definitely a positive force.

It makes me smile........

And then the other shoe dropped.
I found out about my ex's engagement.

CRASH...

She was no where to be found and I don't know why. I called her and expressed disappointment. I didn't yell.

I have screamed before.
I was hurt and said so.
She never responded - 2 weeks and no call to see if I was OK.

I got my first communication this morning. It was a quick email saying that someone was after me for money. She let me know as much and said she would not pick up the phone (which is totally FINE by me).

The tone could be described as.........

Condescending.
Mean-spirited.
Uncaring at best.

I was not sad, and I was not going to do the thing that my mother does. Which is somehow blame myself. I will not blame myself for the the fact that my heart, whether justifiably or not, hurts. I will not blame myself for needing a friend.

I will no longer blame her either.
I am sloughing off the excess.

Why continue to try when clearly it is broken. I am not going to launch a diatribe against her. I am not going to say she is a horrible person.

She isn't. She is better than most.
Definitely better than me.

She is simply not a good friend for me. And I gather, that she feels the same about me.

This exfoliation today was rough. It hurt. But like any good skincare professional will say, it was necessary to clean out the matrix below.




Hope and love,
Soul Dancer

Day 5... Origins Male

Every day from age two till adolescence, I would be doing a variety of things around my house: dancing, annoying my brothers, watching TV, or making a mess.

When I would hear the sound...

The most exciting sound of every day

The sound of the 5:22 train out of NY Penn FINALLY rolling in to Ronkonkoma Station with my daddy on it

I would stop

Run

And sit at the top of the stairs waiting for him

Energy lifted

He would walk in and 2 sets of eyes would light up!

We spent every Saturday morning together;: bagels, carwash, drycleaners, library, ANYWHERE!!!!!!

Two days ago, I wrote about the nature of the relationship I share with my mother, and now I need to bring to life the other half of me.

How do you make a God human? I don’t know if I can. I am not sure he is. I do not know, have never met, and never will meet someone who emanates such goodness. He is selfless, devoted to his family. And the charisma!!!! Oh my God, every hot dog vendor from Penn to his old office on 40^th and Broadway knew his name. Every store he patronizes loves him.

He never EVER fails to make someone else smile. He is a child at heart but at the same time has given us all so much

People say I am like him.

We do share personalities. We both have a certain charm. An ability to make people smile and an ability to make people feel close with us. I too know how to get a laugh.

But while he is perfect to me...

I am not. I didn’t get all of him.

I have lied, and manipulated for my own purposes when necessary

I have been selfish.

I have been jealous and angry and put my needs before others.

Not always, not in EVERY scenario, but at times. I don’t see him as ever doing ANY of those things.

I know that it may not be healthy to feel this way.

Because he IS human.

He is a man.

A Husband.

And lord knows I don’t know ANY woman who would say their husband is perfect.

I know that in me he sees himself, and I know that I have brought him much happiness, but I just want to be more, do more, give him the right to be so proud of me and so sure that only good things can and should happen to me.

I guess, though I never was verbally taught to seek his approval, I have been craving it forever, and he has never disappointed. He is such a proud papa. I just want to be worthy of what he feels.

I think of the way I view humanity because of him

He always says, "Treat the president of the United States the same way you would treat the custodian in your building.”

Lesson learned.

Hands down.

We had(have) so many silly little ROUTINES…………

Every night we would say, “A Kiss and a hug and that nice warm feeling.”

We would gang up against mom, with our famous double entendre maneuver (we would show you, but then we would have to kill you!) Our fattening trips to Bennigan’s after he had sweat out five pounds playing racquetball.

I could write for days thanking him. I could write for years sharing stories.

The thing is this…

I know that people are bound to be disappointed when they place someone on a pedestal.

I never have been disappointed by him.

My fear is that he will somehow determine that the love he shines upon me will be tarnished by my irresponsibility, my refusal to live according to Standard Operating Procedure. Deep down knowing, that won’t happen. Because he JUST that amazing.

SO today, I am going to actively begin to STOP waiting for that to happen. I am going to accept that what my father wants, selflessly as always, is for his little girl to be happy. And I am going to be PROUD of the fact that I am working on just that.

Everyday as I write, I feel as if little weights are being lifted and I am growing more aware of the woman I want to be.

So why worry if I am worth the love he bestows on me. I have it, and I damn lucky for it. It is a “nice warm feeling!”

Love and Hope,

Soul Dancer

Day Three... Origins Female

I have three older brothers. Yes three. Half-brothers to be totally accurate, though we grew up together.

I am the love child of my two parents. My father prefers to say diaphragm baby. (I know a lot of these.)

Note to self:DIAPHRAGMS SUCK!!!

I am the only girl

I did well in school

I was a tattle tale

I fought with my mother

My father is GOD

Daddy and Me against Mom – that’s how it was.

Still is in a lot of ways.

I am still apologizing to her for things I said:

“FUCK YOU”

“YOU’RE JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE I WILL HAVE A CAREER AND YOU ARE JUST A MOM”

“I CAN HAVE BABIES STILL”

First of all, there is no just being a mom.

Second, like I said, I am still apologizing.

She was never quite what I thought I wanted. Wasn’t class mommy, nor was my house “the spot”. She wasn’t the greatest cook and snow days with four crazy children were never received kindly.

That is all I saw when I looked at her.

What I was blind to…

Her incredible ability to get all four of us wherever we needed to go. Her total pride at seeing any one of us do anything that we loved be it sports or dance. Her intense love that she expressed so clearly and yet was missed because it didn’t manifest itself in traditional ways.

I have seen all of these things. I love my mother. I see how she struggles with worrying about us.

I swear she has a booked worrying schedule and worry items on standby just in case something no longer needs worrying about.

I used to be angry with her for not speaking up.

Now I have become her bodyguard, fiercely protecting her from anyone who thinks she is somehow less than….simply because she has the good sense to live not only for us, but for herself as well.

And there it is. Life lesson learned. Motherhood is one title I will add to my list of people. But when I become a mother, it will enhance the total package. It will not take over everything else.

She taught me that. I am grateful for the lesson that I am not sure she intended to teach.

It is quite a moment in your development when you see your own parents as people. With flaws. With goals unrelated to you.

And at that moment…

That split second…

They become your friend as well. My mom is my best friend in so many ways. She has seen the ugliest parts of me and still loves me.

I have thought the worst of her, and now think the world of her!

This weekend I will be spending one night with an old friend who tends to feed any insecurities I have about myself. Basically it isn’t him that does it as much as myself. We were equals once, and in some ways, not really relevant ways, he has surpassed me.

Has he??

That moment I spoke of…….discovering the humanity in my mother.This weekend, as armor from my self-doubt, I give myself permission to be human. I give myself permission to be proud of the life I have built thus far. So what if it hasn’t been a straight line. It has been a hell of a ride.

I will keep signing permission slips over and over so that I can begin to deconstruct how I define success.

I did it once before.

I redefined my mother, and in doing so, found a treasure.

This time the treasure found will be even closer, it will be me.

Love and Hope,

Soul Dancer