Day 24...At Least the Burgers Were Good

I'm back -in DC. Back from 5 weeks in row of traveling.


Today was the unveiling. This woman. my grandma. I miss her. Her great grandchildren miss her.


I shared my eulogy that I read at her memorial with you yesterday. Today.........I saw her memory disrespected. I saw my mother crushed. I witnessed the opening scene of a Woody Allen movie. I can't take credit for that comparison......It was Linda (see Post 22).


SKIP OVER NEXT PARAGRAPH (if you don't want to hear a cougar slam a celebrity.....also might be good to skip for continuity of plot)


BREAK IN THE STORY - i hate to do this....but if possible, if you haven't already please Please PLEASE take the time to see Britney Spears' opening performance of her new single at the VMAs. OMG............a train wreck.
Notes to Britney ...........
Shave your underarms before performing
Try not to stumble.
A little energy goes a long way while dancing......
OH and one SHOULD at least attempt to mouth the words of the song they are lip syncing.

My claws are back in.......sorry i I shattered your illusions of me as a sweet wallflower!

If I were to imagine my family movie in my mind. I imagine it as epic. Francis Ford Coppola to direct. Opening scene..........a wedding. Mine. Part of Dana to be played by Scarlett Johanssen. My husband played by Richard Gere circa American Giggolo.


Our movie is epic and dramatic.

Our reality is much closed to Woody Allan. Linda is right. Comedy. Dysfunctional Eastern European Jewish family. A bit quirky, but family nonetheless.

We arrived at the cemetery and within minutes everyone was there except my brother Kirk. Grandpa appeared on edge and kept asking where he was. Upon Kirk's arrival, grandpa became impatient because the rabbi was late.

When finally the ceremony began, I was surprised by how upset I was. My grandmother and I fought a lot. It is because we are both bullheaded. I didn't get to the point that she stopped infuriating me. I still have guilt because I was never allowed the time to tell her how amazing I thought she was. She was a character.
She would put on a fake neck brace to get to the front of the line at Duffy Square to get us all tickets for a Broadway show. It was mortifying, but also genius.
She had this crazy cast of friends.....with crazier stories.
And all of these emotions came flooding back. Grandma and I were not at peace and so I have been left to make peace on my own.
And so as the rabbi spoke about her, I cried.
I looked around and all of us were crying.
One sweet thing I will point out is my nephew Kyle, while I was visibly upset reached over from his daddy's grasp to pat my back. I tell ya - PURE GENIUS!!!
When it was over, we adjourned to this family restaurant.
Grandpa looked frail.....he has been up late lately.

My grandpa met someone...............

He met her 6 weeks ago. He bought her an engagement ring last week.

In the MIDDLE of lunch, he received a phone call. It was her. She was also in town and the two were headed back upstate NY where they are living until the end of the month. He left half his grilled cheese, a lot of fries, and his ENTIRE family without a kiss or hug to go pick up his betrothed.

I am happy for him. I am. But we all were in shock. This was a day set aside to honor the memory of an amazing woman whom he was married to for 66 years. And he just walked out. It was surreal. Enter the Woody Allenesque quality......I expected him to walk in. I wanted my grandpa to come back.

Even my brother........who never has a bad word to say about anyone, when asked about grandpa's actions stated, "At least the burgers were good."

I hate that I was angry with him. I hate that a 90 year old man is acting like a child. I hate that he has shown us that it was my grandma, all these years that wanted to be with us. I hate that 66 years could be erased so easily. I am so guilty for being angry.

I know that all will be fine. I just hate when life is so one sided. When we are asked to accept and give what is not being given to us in return.

I feel my grandma was shamed yesterday. Of course, I will never say this to him. He will never hear anything but my words of support. I refuse to have another grandparent go with unsettled business.

I love him and I want his happiness. But I also want my grandma back. I want to her about the twins Dee and Pepsi and the stories about her INSANE friend Paula Wahka. I want her to be in version of my movie, at my wedding. I want her to see me as a mom. I just miss her..more than I knew. More than I know.

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer

Day 8...Letting Go

A favorite song of mine from Joe Cocker…..not so easy to do.

My friend, who started me on this process, and I have been so connected of late……….we are on this journey together. Today on the phone, she brought up the topic of anger. I quickly noted to her, that while in bed last night……..I was thinking of just that.

On this journey, I am not in any way unaware of the fact that I have, “anger issues”.
Translation…………..I overreact a lot. I explode so quickly. Many times it can be seen from the outside. But what is going on inside is so much worse.

I literally can feel HEAT surging through my veins. And this is not the good sexual heat…………………..oh god please LET ME FEEL THAT SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am talking about this explosion of bubbling lava blood erupting throughout my body. Making me appear red all over……..a hot look for freckly chick like myself

There is no poker face.

There are no poker words.

I can be lethal. I can be over reactive. I have been known, on occasion, to make matters worse.
I think only with age can we understand the phrase, “The opposite of love OR hate is indifference.”
Then a decade or so later, you MAY be able to practice what you preach………
I can say with total confidence.

I
Have
A
Good
8
Years
To
Go
I remember how I learned to understand. I had a boyfriend after college for three years. We were in love, and there was enough chemistry to fill in an entire periodic table, though no inert gasses would be present.
We were explosive.
You can only imagine where that chemistry had its benefits……… (note, I have stopped writing to imagine the various mixtures we made together……..what element is 69?)

We were together for three years, should have broken up after one.
By the time we got around to stop screwing and actually end it, we HATED each other.

Years have past……we have grown up. And the hatred I once had for him started to fade away. I became indifferent. I knew I was over him.

Though I got there eventually……..this process was involuntary. I had no control, but rather time steered the process.

I need to find ways of coping with those surges of emotions. I focus on why I explode, rather than on how to amend the behavior. I am going to change that. How can I calm down? How can I cool down?
Any suggestions?
I have recognized that all the anger does is inhibit my ability to work, laugh, and RELAX. I can also say that 9 times out of 10 my rage doesn’t in any way alter or change the position of the person with whom I am angry.

I have lost another not previously mentioned good friend because of my snappishness. Rather than snap, I should have found a way to control that guttural grunt, those venomous vowels and consonants forming wounding words that never seem to get the heart of the matter.

So for now I choose to control or mediate the symptoms. Then, I will try to figure out why in the world I get so angry in the first place.

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer